Fandom: HP/Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code
Pairing: Ensemble with implied pairings
Rating: PG-13 for language and naked Trelawny (ewww)
"Great bloody Mordred on a Cleansweep!"
"Mr. Thomas! Language!"
"Sorry, Professor McGonagall."
"::whimper:: ::sob:: ::sniffle::"
"Oh, poor Professor Trelawny! Oh, Lavender, I can't believe it!"
"I spoke to her just yesterday ... she was complaining of a headache! Ooooh! Pavarti! Do you think it was ... a SIGN?"
"Ah. How very surprising that I should once again find Mr. Potter standing over a dead body."
"Those other ones were petrified, not dead!"
"Yes, thank you, Mr. Weasley. An important distinction to make where Mr. Potter is concerned."
"Hsst! Ron! Be careful!"
"Mr. Weasley! I suggest you adhere to Ms. Granger's advice for once. And Ms. Granger, ten points from Gryffindor for ruining my fun."
"But it can't be about me! I've already got a proph -- I mean, it just can't!"
"I'm not so sure about that, Potter. I think if you'll look carefully, it references both of us."
"Shut up, Malfoy. What do you know?"
"Oh, so that's it, is it? Harry Potter -- the Boy Who Lived to Steal All the Glory."
"Fuck you, Malfoy! You think I like constantly discovering dead bodies?"
"The other ones were petrified, weren't they, Draco?"
"Quiet, Goyle. So ... Gryffindor's Golden Boy is afraid of an ickle bit of blood? Better get used to it, Potter. When my father is out of Azkaban he'll make sure you pay for what you've done to my family!"
"Mr. Malfoy! Ten points from Slytherin for threatening a student!"
"You shouldn't penalize Malfoy, Professor McGonagall. Malfoy can't help being a prick. He was born that way."
"MR. THOMAS. LANGUAGE."
"Did the portraits see anything unusual, Filius?"
"No, Headmaster. There was an ... orgy ... in the Milkmaid's portrait in the Charms Wing this evening. All residents of this corridor were present."
"Look, I'll read it nice and slowly so even a Muggle-lover like you can understand:
O, Draconian devil!
Oh, lame saint!
"I'm still good enough to beat you!"
"Yes, bravo, Potter. Can we get back to the issue at hand?"
"Step aside, Mr. Malfoy."
"Yes, Professor Snape."
"Stop smirking at me, Malfoy, or I'll wipe it off your face myself."
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Potter?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Wouldn't you like to find out."
"At least I'm not the one staring at naked Trelawny. You pervert."
"Don't be disgusting, Potter. I was reading our prophecy."
"IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, YOU FERRITY LITTLE BASTARD!"
"Mr. Potter! Language!"
"Sorry, Professor McGonagall."
"Professor Snape, do you think there is some significance to the fact that Professor Trelawny is arranged like Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man?"
"Ms. Granger, seventeen points from Gryffindor for being an increasingly tedious and didactic pedant."
"And twenty points from Slytherin for being redundant. Just because you know the words doesn't mean you should use them."
"Indeed. Ms. Granger, you are aware that Prefect or no, you are hardly in a position to take points from the Head of a House?"
"It's just, Professor, that when you look at me like that I am unclear as to what position it is exactly that you do want me in. Oh, stop glaring! Save it for the first years."
"Ms. Granger, are you ... surely you are not flirting with me?"
"Certainly not. I'm looking at the dead body. Now -- do you think those numbers are some form of arithmantic code?"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, MALFOY!"
"I'd like to see you try, you scarfaced FREAK!"
"An orgy, you say, Filius? With the Milkmaid?"
"Hmmm. I should think that such a thing might require further investigation. One can never be too careful, after all, when dealing with a madman."